MY COVID-19 DIARY #2

The following blog entry includes mostly poetry about my own experience with Covid-19 a year ago in September and October of 2020. I decided to leave most of my writing in its initial and raw form because it vibrates with my physical and mental struggle with the virus. It is a stream of consciousness if you will. It certainly is a desperate attempt to put in words the 19 days of being sick with the virus that changed our lives.


28/9/2020 – 13th day of the virus

Misty it was outside,

so was it inside too,

the soul

got cold and slumber,

giving in the virus’s wishes.

 

29/9/2020 – 14th day of the virus

[walked in the park]

crunching leaves,

fallen down,

so free & careless

fresh rain falls – so silent & at ease

 

30/9/2020 – 15th day of the virus

{isn’t it gone yet?}

Βρέχει φύλλα κιτρινισμένα

ερωτευμένα με το χώμα,

την υγρή πραγματικότητα,

τον αέναο εαυτό μας.

Κουράστηκαν τα δέντρα

από το ατελείωτο καλοκαίρι-

κόπηκε η τροφοδοσία

της φωτοσύνθεσης.

Τώρα ένας άνεμος μένει

να τα πάρει μακριά

να μαραθούν με ησυχία

και φθινόπωρο.

#recovery

The freedom of endless steps

vibrates in me.

I can walk outside again

and smell the fresh air,

inhaling autumn particles

in my clean lungs.

I was lucky,

for it barely touched me,

leaving me with empty nostrils

and tasteless food

and an endless tiresomeness.

This will too pass.

Like everything else in life.

Like the yellowed leaves

traveling with the air

to meet the wet, solid ground.

This will too pass.

I was lucky, for it barely touched me

{crunchy noises-colorful footpaths-wet alleyways. Autumn is here!}

1/10/2020 – 16th day of the virus

October, Welcome.

{slept bad yesterday and was over-energetic and overwhelmed – could not let my thoughts rest}

 

2/10/2020 – 17th day of the virus

treetops turning yellow

I’m craving for some fresh air

to feel my muscles moving again

to experience the silence of the October air.

 

Slowly recovering,

remembering who I used to be.

4/10/2020 – 19th day of the virus

Today was a fine day.


5/10/2020 – [free from virus]

A new week begins with HEALTH

a fresh perspective

a new mindset

and with all

the acceptance we can afford!

The slow tempo of the season

(or is it fast)

reassures me of my steps.

One by one.


This was the second of two blog entries about my Covid-19 experience. If you haven’t read the first one, you can find it here.

PhotoMinolta Dynax 7000i (AF 35-105mm). LomoChrome Metropolis, 100-400 ISO, 35mm film. Seich Sou, Thessaloniki, Greece, December 2020.

My Covid-19 diary #1

The following blog entry includes prose and poetry about my own experience with Covid-19 back in September-October. I decided to leave most of my writing in its initial and raw form because it vibrates with my physical and mental struggle with the virus. It is a stream of consciousness if you will. It certainly is a desperate attempt to put in words the 19 days of being sick with the virus that changed our lives.


20/9/2020 – 5th day of the virus

Uneasy feeling: my stomach refuses food, it feels as if all food has stopped making sense. I want to feel better – so bad. Please let this phone call be quick and painless, like a bandage that’s not needed anymore.

Αυτή η αναμονή με σκοτώνει. Δεν μπορώ να συγκεντρωθώ. Κοιτώ τον ήλιο – αυτόν τον ήλιο που μάτωνε τα γόνατα – τον κοιτώ κατάματα μήπως και μου δώσει απαντήσεις. Το καθαρό μπλε του ουρανού κοιτώ, το καθάριο συναίσθημα που μου δίνει. Χάνομαι στο βάθος αυτού του μπλε, του έντονου μπλε του ουρανού. Γράφοντας κοιτώ το κενό, τα μάτια μου τσούζουν από τον ήλιο. Είμαι ακόμη άρρωστη, να πάρει, κι όμως νιώθω πως η αρχή του τέλους απλά … τελειώνει. Χρειάζομαι ησυχία και γαλήνη και ηρεμία και όλες αυτές τις λέξεις που κρατάς σφιχτά στην αγκαλιά όταν νιώθεις χαμένος. ‘Η γλώσσα είναι σε μένα’. Είναι μέσα μου, βαθιά και αχώριστα στο σώμα μου, μ’ ερωτεύεται κάθε μέρα και εγώ την ερωτεύομαι ξανά και ξανά κάθε φορά που πιάνω τα μολύβια μου. Η έκφραση της ζωής, η εξήγησή της είναι κανόνας μαγικός και δεν μπορώ να ξεφύγω από τα όριά του. Θα ήθελα όλες οι λέξεις μέσα μου να έβγαιναν, σαν γάργαρα νερά να γλιστρούσαν από μέσα μου και επάνω στο χαρτί, λευκό και άτρωτο, μέχρι να γεμίσει λέξεις αναλλοίωτες στο χρόνο.

Exploring an eternity of Septembers, again and again reacting to time and space.

Do you remember that moment in time when you felt the world was going to crush us down? Yes, so many of them – multiple moments, multiple times. Escaping the earthly world to hid behind the words.

21/9/2020 – 6th & 1st day of the virus

Yesterday I received a call that I have Corona. And I do. And it’s in me. And I hate it.

I feel OK. Not too many symptoms. No fever. No cough. I am sneezing today. If I do too much, I feel tired and drained. I want this to be over. I want it to get out of my body. The numbness, the tingling in my head. The swollen glands and loss of smell. I feel utterly confused and violated.

If I do too much, I feel tired and drained. I want this to be over.

The very first day I felt a scratching sensation in my throat. It stressed and scared me, but I moved on to go for a ride with my bike and take pictures. When I reached a certain point in the Onlanden – a wonderful natural region in Groningen – I walked toward the narrow path, only to discover how silent it was. A type of white silence surrounded me, it caressed my ears, almost like an old friend; it spoke to me, told me stories of the past and of the future, stories I would have liked hearing in my sleep. The silence embraced me, tingled my soul and my then full ears. I walked slowly and mindfully, feeling the soles of my feet every step of the way.

The narrow path I took that day

23/9/2020 – 8th day of the virus

I feel numb at times, feeling the need to taste and smell everything I put my hands on. The loss of two of my senses makes me feel incomplete, almost non-human, a development of the virus through my body that I would have never expected. I feel that a big part of me is taken away from me. I feel empty, drained, agitated. And people laugh, they dismiss it. I have to explain how it feels in simple terms, so that they get it. What do they know? It’s so great speaking of it when you’re not experiencing it. I wish they’d shut up about it. “You’re lucky!”, “You should be grateful”, “Don’t overreact”, “It’s just a cold”, just a cold, just a cold, just a cold. If it was just a cold, then why do I feel like that? Totally disconnected from my own body. The thoughts that go through my head are not connected with the ones that I feel through my body. Do you get what I mean? No one seems to get that. This virus is beyond a cold and the way it makes me feel is proof of that. If only I could put it into words. I want to break the barrier between my body and my mind and just write about it, talk about it. I want to be free, to be able to think, to liberate myself from this horrible disease.

If it was just a cold, then why do I feel like that? Totally disconnected from my own body.

25/9/2020 – 10th day of the virus

I am getting better. A veil is slowly lifting off my brain. There is an itch and burning sensation now in my brain and on my face. I still feel tired and managed to work yesterday, but my body starts to ache now like it is awakening from a deep slumber. Tingly face, tingly brain, I feel a little bit more like myself today. It’s been a ride. I feel so grateful, so grateful. Everything has a new light, a new shine, a new allure that I admire. Fall is here and I am grateful to be alive and healthy to experience it. It’s not that I saw death, no. But experiencing the virus was intense, physically but also mentally.

26/9/2020 – 11th day of the virus

The world keeps on moving – as always. I felt frustrated and suffocated again.

floods of … everything

inside my body

[ιέ φύγε απ’ αυτό το σπίτι]

no endings, nor holidays

expect me to find myself again.

I roar at silence

and commence again

my life journey.

Are you with me?

Rain tingles on the window

rough, but subtle sounds emerge,

we cry ourselves to sleep

lucky to have survived

one

more

day.

 

27/9/2020 – 12th day of the virus

Waiting for the day till I find myself again.


This was the first of two blog entries about my Covid-19 experience. Stay tuned for the next article where I document the slow recovery from the virus.

PhotoMinolta Dynax 7000i (AF 35-105mm). Kodak Ektar, 100 ISO, 35mm film. De Onlanden, Groningen, the Netherlands, May 2020.

“Uitwaaien”: The art of Letting Go

In our hectic and busy lives, with small screens devouring our faces, we start losing our grip on what’s important. We get lost in deadlines, meetings, to-do-lists and that pile of unfolded laundry starts haunting our dreams. Being close to nature can always put things into perspective.

Walking on the coast of Terschelling (one of the Dutch islands at the North Sea), I found myself experiencing the real process of letting go: ik ben even uitgewaaid. “Uitwaaien” is a common activity in Holland: you walk and allow the wind to take all your troubles away. I must admit it wasn’t easy. Even for late October, the winds on the islands are very strong. If you’re not used to this, it can be hard to enjoy a walk while the wind is wailing.

How do you let go? Well, the key is to let your thoughts sink deep in the sand. Focus on one small little breath, one small little step, one single moment. Before you know it you are one thought away from letting go. Not keeping grudges or thinking of what should have happened or what is about to happen. Breath in and let go.

Not griping on anything and just enjoying the long sandy coast of the island. It slowly starts feeling like a blessing, a ritual almost, that makes you realize you needed this. To be next to the sea, to hear the breeze, to step on the wet sand and get in touch with what is. Becoming gradually calmer, more serene, laid-back, one with the wind that accompanies you in every step.

Walking on the long sandy beach, it almost looks fake; a vast, flat field of golden sand that changes color depending on the sun’s mood. The light is vibrant grey as if reflecting the blue mood of the sea. The coast is clear, literally, but some sea debris has washed up on land. Do you hear our souls screaming? Their restless sound is fading away. It is just a whisper now.

The wind takes everything away, it sweeps our feelings away. Our soft footprints on the wet sand don’t make a sound. If you listen closely, you will feel the silence the strong wind brings; you will hear the nature calling out your name, taking over, helping you release whatever you are still holding on to. The strong wind clears our heads and the golden sunlight shows us the path we should take, one step at a time.

 

Photographs: Nikon F75 (28-100mm). Kodak Gold 200, 35mm film. Terschelling Island, Friesland, the Netherlands. October 2019.

The power of ASMR

Dealing with everyday life can often be overwhelming. We all have countless things to tackle but very little time to do so, which can lead to increased stress and, for many of us, not enough sleep. It can become difficult to let things go and just relax. However, taking the necessary distance from all those stressful deadlines is the best thing to do, especially during overwhelming times. Choosing for our own wellbeing is mandatory. We owe it to ourselves to take it slow, to know when to say no and when to chill. I know that it is easier said than done, but stop for a minute and consider: when was the last time you actually did something relaxing?

If the answer to this question is “hmm … I can’t remember” then you are in the right place. What if I told you that there is a very fascinating and costless way to reduce your stress? It is an accessible and cheap trend and it’s called ASMR.

Are you familiar with those tingles on your head and neck when someone whispers to your ear, or when raindrops make that tapping sound on your window? Well, you might not know it, but you are experiencing ASMR tingles.

ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response and it’s a reaction people have to specific triggers, such as whispering, tapping, or slow movements. This sensory reaction is translated as ‘brain tingles’, basically goosebumps, which can often lead to feelings of calmness and relaxation. But how does ASMR work exactly?

Watching ASMR videos can cultivate your attention to sounds you might not normally notice. The combination of video and sound (when you hear but also see the movements) guarantees a dynamic result that can help you feel less stress and even sleep better. This sensory experience creates certain physical and psychological effects on your body that you begin feeling mindful and peaceful. That tingling sensation that begins on the crown of your head and continues throughout your spine can be very soothing.

The lovely Maria, from ‘Gentle Whispering’

ASMR became a worldwide trend though YouTube when some people started making videos that included both visual and binaural (for both ears) triggers so that viewers can experience those ‘brain tingles’. ASMR has become so popular the last years, that there are currently around 13 million ASMR videos on YouTube with hundreds of new ones uploaded every day. ASMR artists have become so famous that some of them create ASMR videos as a fulltime job (!). Take for example the YouTube channel ‘Gentle Whispering ASMR’ that counts so far 1.5 million subscribers and over 500 million views in total.

Some common ASMR types you can find on YouTube include whispering, tapping, hair brushing, massaging, scratching surfaces and even the idea that someone is touching your face or head, also known as ASMR role-playing. There are videos with eating, chewing and mouth sounds, videos with folding towels or playing with slime. The list is truly endless. You just need to find what works for you, since not all sounds are suitable for everyone. I, for example, truly hate eating sounds, so I avoid ASMR videos that include those. And I do love videos that include tapping or face touching. You just need to find what works best for you.

I have been watching ASMR videos almost every day for the last year, and I have to admit, they have helped me enormously with insomnia and stress. There is something truly relaxing in just watching someone tap an unusual item or slightly touch someone’s back. Yes, I know, this all sounds a bit odd, but if you are looking for a more alternative way to deal with stress and anxiety, I guarantee this will help.

The wonderful Emma from WhispersRed

The popularity of ASMR is also evident in the scientific community, with researchers from the University of Sheffield investigating the possible mental health benefits of watching ASMR videos. They have found that the people who experience the ‘brain tingles’, while watching ASMR videos, showed a decreased heart rate compared with the people who don’t experience the tingles. The most interesting part, as Dr. Giulia Poerio, of the University of Sheffield’s Department of Psychology says, “is that the average reductions in heart rate experienced by our ASMR participants were comparable to other research findings on the physiological effects of stress-reduction techniques such as music and mindfulness.” So, watching ASMR videos can indeed reduce your stress!

The truth is it will feel very weird the first time you explore ASMR videos, however, if it works for you, you will become addicted to it very quickly. It is also known, anecdotally, that if you listen to too much ASMR you ‘lose’ your sensitivity to certain tingles. If that happens to you don’t worry, just take a break from ASMR and when you come back to it, the tingles will return too.

There is something in those videos, especially the ones focused on helping you sleep, that is truly relaxing. Because the videos include very specific sounds, they function as a form of audiovisual meditation. Just try out some videos of ‘WhispersRed ASMR’ Emma or ‘Caroline ASMR’, and you will see for yourself. So, take my advice and check some ASMR videos the next time you will feel discouraged and stressed by the countless things you have to do. There is a big chance you will feel much more relaxed and focused, ready to conquer every obstacle that comes your way!

Photos: screenshots made from YouTube. Pictures created with Canon EOS 1000D and edited with VscoCam (Groningen, May 2019). 

A guide for the cold winter days

We are heading towards the end of the autumnal season, that time of the year when the weather has turned cold for good, rain clouds are a constant visitor, the leaves fall from the trees, the sun visits us rarely and the temperature has dropped dramatically. The wind starts scarring the utter layers of our body, hurting in its path any part of exposed skin. Our mouths become the chimneys we imagined them to be when we were kids, and our thick shoes cover the two heroes that take us anywhere we tell them to, our feet.

Yes, it is December, that time of the year when we instinctively look inside ourselves, trying to decipher that thing called ‘self’. And while doing that, sometimes, it can be confronting or unpleasant. While the weather gets colder as we speak, sometimes it feels difficult to anticipate what’s coming next. It is the time of the year when you go to work and it’s dark outside, and when you are done, well, it’s dark again. That can be very discouraging.

But do not fret, dear reader. Because I am here for you with some useful tips for the cold winter days to make you wise as an owl! I have created a short guide with things you can do to feel better when cold dark days are upon you. Hopefully, you will realize that cold weather can also be as exciting as the other seasons and perhaps this list can be an inspiration and a guide for the upcoming months. Some of the suggestions in this article are based on mindful living that if practiced often, can increase our daily sensation of blissfulness.

Create a safe space at home.

During summer we tend to go out more and enjoy the nice weather, but during winter we become more inward-looking, while we crave being at home more often. That means that having a safe space at home without distractions is vital. You can do that by creating a small space in the house just for your relaxation and winter introspection, also known as hibernation space (yeah, I just made that up). That can be either your couch with some comfortable pillows, your bed with your favorite blanket, or your office with some nice candles. Your space, your choice. Make sure that your space reflects your needs.

Extra Tip:

Since the holiday season has officially begun, it’s time for some Christmas decorations. Decorating your safe space with Christmas lights or a Christmas tree can actually be very beneficial for your mental health. As psychoanalyst Steve McKeown says, decorating for Christmas evokes feelings of nostalgia from when you were a kid. So, decorating can help you relive those happy moments, which can also reduce stress. So, what are you waiting for? I can hear the angel ornaments calling your name.

Put your phone away.

I mean it. Stop checking your phone every hour, whether you are at work or at home. Putting your phone away and focusing on one task every time is vital for being more productive. It is also important to remember that checking our phones constantly is not healthy. It is a huge distraction that doesn’t offer us anything.

Cook a meal for yourself.

Sometimes cooking seems like an obligation, something we need to do to survive. However, cooking can be super relaxing and exciting. And there’s nothing better than cooking a comforting meal on a cold night! Choose a couple or recipes (browse Pinterest for inspiration) you would like to cook and go for it. And don’t forget that cooking a nice meal for yourself or your loved ones is an amazing form of self-care.

Go for a walk in the park.

Put on some comfy clothes and go for a long stroll in the nearest park. Not only is walking good for you, but you will also have the chance to enjoy the crispness of autumnal weather and get some fresh air. I know, if it rains this is not ideal. But, at some point, it will stop raining, and walking in a park surrounded by the beautiful golden colors of nature can be very soothing and relaxing.

Put on cozy clothes.

This is probably my favorite of all autumnal hibernation tactics. I love wearing warm, comfortable clothes like soft sweaters and chill pants and watch Netflix for hours. If you like doing that too, invest in some comfortable “house clothes”, as I call them. When you are at home, you should not wear your pajamas, unless you want to go to sleep. This is also very important for people like me, who work and study from home because being in your pajamas or those tight jeans all day is not ideal. And it certainly isn’t productive.

Declutter.     

Start by cleaning your closet and checking for items you haven’t worn in more than two years. That means you don’t really need those clothes anymore. Or maybe it is time to start wearing them again. Donate the ones you don’t want or even sell them. I must admit, I love decluttering. Somehow, decluttering always makes me feel lighter in the soul. There is something in the reorganizing and the emptying of a space that is very relaxing, and it can help you get rid of the past and set new goals. Do the same with your office: throw away papers you don’t need and donate books you have already read. You will see that getting rid of things you don’t need can be surprisingly refreshing.

Call a friend to chat.     

Talking with the people we love is the best distraction. Call a friend and talk about your day. Even better, invite your friend for a hot cup of cocoa or a glass of red wine at your place and talk about your favorite autumnal rituals. Maybe you can watch a movie or a series on Netflix. What matters is to be present to each other’s company. There is nothing better than sharing these cold evenings with someone else. If that is not possible, then video calls can also work wonders!

Meditate.      

MEDITATE. The simple act of breathing in and out and being aware of it can make wonders. If you don’t know how to meditate, and you feel you need guidance, download Calm or Headspace on your phone to get the hang of meditation. Both apps include different types of meditation tactics and they can teach you useful tips you can incorporate in your daily life. I always say that if more people would meditate then there would be less violence and hate in the world.

Did you also know that meditation can change your brain? Dr. Narveen Dosanjh says that meditating can help shrink the amygdala, which is responsible for anxiety, fear, and stress. So, when we meditate often, we begin experiencing less stress.

Make yourself a cup of tea.      

The process of boiling the water, preparing the mug and brewing the tea can be quite meditative. When at home, make yourself some hot steaming tea, sit on the couch and enjoy every sip. Focusing on small moments like this one makes you aware of what really matters in life. You start appreciating every little thing that you never noticed before. And that is the route towards a happier state of mind. If you are not a tea person, you can do this with a heartwarming cup of coffee. It’s the ritual that counts.

Be kind to yourself.

This is what we all tend to forget sometimes, especially when we are overwhelmed by our busy schedules and routine. Being kind to yourself includes many things. Firstly, it starts by realizing your limits. You are not supposed to be a robot and complete everything you want every single day. Work is fine, but relaxing and taking care of yourself is even better. Only then you can be more productive and certainly more satisfied.

Secondly, start practicing gratitude. Name every day three things you are grateful for. You can write them down or just name them in your head. Practicing gratitude is important for us to recognize and appreciate the things in life that matter.

Lastly, spend some time on yourself. That means do those things you love doing more often. Read, walk, sport, get a hobby, go to the movies or to concerts, anything that brings you joy. I can already hear you complaining that there is not enough time in your schedule. That is simply not an excuse. Make time for the things you love. Doing the things that we love makes us instantly happier and more resilient to daily stress.

 

(Photo: Leeuwarden, the Netherlands. November 2015. Minolta dynax 7000i, Kodak Gold, ISO 200, 35mm film.)

The Art in our lives

Art is present everywhere in our lives. Sometimes we notice it, sometimes we don’t. But what is the role of art in our society? Specifically, how has the role of art in society evolved throughout the years, what is good art and what role does a museum play in preserving, exhibiting and mostly communicating art to the public? These are some of the questions that were raised during the guest lecture hosted by the Dutch United Nations Student Association, also known as SIB. The main speaker of the evening was Andreas Blühm, the director of the Groninger Museum, who was more than willing to share his experience and insight on what the role of art in society is, or even better, what it should be.

SIB Groningen often organizes several lectures on matters that interest the city’s students. In one of the most recent lectures, on the 15th of October, the student association invited Andreas Blühm who introduced to a full house at the Club Kiwi in the Peperstraat the subject of art in society. His lecture lasted for an hour, however, the discussion afterwards was perhaps the best part of the whole evening. But let me get back to that later.

Andreas Blühm has been the director of the Groninger Museum since 2012, and before that, he served as a curator at the Van Gogh Museum in Amsterdam. During his concise and informative lecture, he began with a historical view on what the role of art has been in society. Specifically, art made a first appearance as part of society when during the early 18th century Salons were introduced in France. They were the first places where art would be exhibited to the public on a massive scale. A public that didn’t belong to high society and didn’t have access to art before. And that was when the notion of museums appeared. From that point on, the role of museums became clearer. Dr Blühm explained very elaboratively that the role museums have taken in society expands from collecting and preserving artwork of cultural, religious and historical importance, to presenting those artworks to the public for education and enjoyment. The main challenge for museums remains, however, how to communicate art to the public.

Another big issue that was raised during the lecture, was the question of what happens to art when we take it out of the museum. Specifically, dr Blühm told us how last year the Groninger Museum placed the extremely valuable and iconic work of the American artist Jeff Koons, Christ and the Lamb, in a wall of the central mall Bijenkorf in Amsterdam. The initiative was inspired by the 100-year anniversary since Marcel Duchamp submitted to an exhibition his famous urinal, which he called Fountain, challenging in that way what counts as art. Koons’s artwork was placed in the Bijenkorf without informing the public, to discover whether such artwork would be noticed and appreciated once acquiring a non-artful function. As soon as a label was put next to the artwork, that was the defining moment people started realizing and recognizing its worth. The lesson? Art needs museums for it to be appreciated.

After an insightful lecture, the time came for the best part of the evening, the questions. As I mentioned before that was the most interesting and exciting part of the night. The discussion was heated with several questions form the students to which dr Blühm answered diplomatically, but with honesty too. It started with a question about the controversial role of the internet in how we perceive art. Dr Blühm answered that art is indeed more accessible online, only people still have the need to visit the original artworks. Another question dealt with what good and bad art is, and what if society likes art that professionals reject. Art is first and foremost subjective, said dr Blühm, answering the first question. He added saying that if an artwork is expensive, it doesn’t mean it is good, but if it stays expensive and popular, as in the case of Banksy, then we understand its worth. That brought to my mind how Banksy set his famous artwork Girl with Balloon to shred itself, during an auction two weeks ago, as soon as it was sold for more than £860,000. The artist renamed the work Love Is In The Bin and while making history, he also challenges traditional views on what makes an artwork valuable.

All in all, the lecture created an interesting discussion and offered food for thought around the role of art in society. Inevitably art is everywhere, every person can be art, can appreciate art and understand it. Art is after all human creation, and, as dr Blühm concluded, supporting it is very crucial for our society.

Photo: Looking at a Monet painting at the Albertina museum in Vienna, from the travel journal A Winter Weekend in Wien, 2017.