My Covid-19 diary #1

The following blog entry includes prose and poetry about my own experience with Covid-19 back in September-October. I decided to leave most of my writing in its initial and raw form because it vibrates with my physical and mental struggle with the virus. It is a stream of consciousness if you will. It certainly is a desperate attempt to put in words the 19 days of being sick with the virus that changed our lives.


20/9/2020 – 5th day of the virus

Uneasy feeling: my stomach refuses food, it feels as if all food has stopped making sense. I want to feel better – so bad. Please let this phone call be quick and painless, like a bandage that’s not needed anymore.

Αυτή η αναμονή με σκοτώνει. Δεν μπορώ να συγκεντρωθώ. Κοιτώ τον ήλιο – αυτόν τον ήλιο που μάτωνε τα γόνατα – τον κοιτώ κατάματα μήπως και μου δώσει απαντήσεις. Το καθαρό μπλε του ουρανού κοιτώ, το καθάριο συναίσθημα που μου δίνει. Χάνομαι στο βάθος αυτού του μπλε, του έντονου μπλε του ουρανού. Γράφοντας κοιτώ το κενό, τα μάτια μου τσούζουν από τον ήλιο. Είμαι ακόμη άρρωστη, να πάρει, κι όμως νιώθω πως η αρχή του τέλους απλά … τελειώνει. Χρειάζομαι ησυχία και γαλήνη και ηρεμία και όλες αυτές τις λέξεις που κρατάς σφιχτά στην αγκαλιά όταν νιώθεις χαμένος. ‘Η γλώσσα είναι σε μένα’. Είναι μέσα μου, βαθιά και αχώριστα στο σώμα μου, μ’ ερωτεύεται κάθε μέρα και εγώ την ερωτεύομαι ξανά και ξανά κάθε φορά που πιάνω τα μολύβια μου. Η έκφραση της ζωής, η εξήγησή της είναι κανόνας μαγικός και δεν μπορώ να ξεφύγω από τα όριά του. Θα ήθελα όλες οι λέξεις μέσα μου να έβγαιναν, σαν γάργαρα νερά να γλιστρούσαν από μέσα μου και επάνω στο χαρτί, λευκό και άτρωτο, μέχρι να γεμίσει λέξεις αναλλοίωτες στο χρόνο.

Exploring an eternity of Septembers, again and again reacting to time and space.

Do you remember that moment in time when you felt the world was going to crush us down? Yes, so many of them – multiple moments, multiple times. Escaping the earthly world to hid behind the words.

21/9/2020 – 6th & 1st day of the virus

Yesterday I received a call that I have Corona. And I do. And it’s in me. And I hate it.

I feel OK. Not too many symptoms. No fever. No cough. I am sneezing today. If I do too much, I feel tired and drained. I want this to be over. I want it to get out of my body. The numbness, the tingling in my head. The swollen glands and loss of smell. I feel utterly confused and violated.

If I do too much, I feel tired and drained. I want this to be over.

The very first day I felt a scratching sensation in my throat. It stressed and scared me, but I moved on to go for a ride with my bike and take pictures. When I reached a certain point in the Onlanden – a wonderful natural region in Groningen – I walked toward the narrow path, only to discover how silent it was. A type of white silence surrounded me, it caressed my ears, almost like an old friend; it spoke to me, told me stories of the past and of the future, stories I would have liked hearing in my sleep. The silence embraced me, tingled my soul and my then full ears. I walked slowly and mindfully, feeling the soles of my feet every step of the way.

The narrow path I took that day

23/9/2020 – 8th day of the virus

I feel numb at times, feeling the need to taste and smell everything I put my hands on. The loss of two of my senses makes me feel incomplete, almost non-human, a development of the virus through my body that I would have never expected. I feel that a big part of me is taken away from me. I feel empty, drained, agitated. And people laugh, they dismiss it. I have to explain how it feels in simple terms, so that they get it. What do they know? It’s so great speaking of it when you’re not experiencing it. I wish they’d shut up about it. “You’re lucky!”, “You should be grateful”, “Don’t overreact”, “It’s just a cold”, just a cold, just a cold, just a cold. If it was just a cold, then why do I feel like that? Totally disconnected from my own body. The thoughts that go through my head are not connected with the ones that I feel through my body. Do you get what I mean? No one seems to get that. This virus is beyond a cold and the way it makes me feel is proof of that. If only I could put it into words. I want to break the barrier between my body and my mind and just write about it, talk about it. I want to be free, to be able to think, to liberate myself from this horrible disease.

If it was just a cold, then why do I feel like that? Totally disconnected from my own body.

25/9/2020 – 10th day of the virus

I am getting better. A veil is slowly lifting off my brain. There is an itch and burning sensation now in my brain and on my face. I still feel tired and managed to work yesterday, but my body starts to ache now like it is awakening from a deep slumber. Tingly face, tingly brain, I feel a little bit more like myself today. It’s been a ride. I feel so grateful, so grateful. Everything has a new light, a new shine, a new allure that I admire. Fall is here and I am grateful to be alive and healthy to experience it. It’s not that I saw death, no. But experiencing the virus was intense, physically but also mentally.

26/9/2020 – 11th day of the virus

The world keeps on moving – as always. I felt frustrated and suffocated again.

floods of … everything

inside my body

[ιέ φύγε απ’ αυτό το σπίτι]

no endings, nor holidays

expect me to find myself again.

I roar at silence

and commence again

my life journey.

Are you with me?

Rain tingles on the window

rough, but subtle sounds emerge,

we cry ourselves to sleep

lucky to have survived

one

more

day.

 

27/9/2020 – 12th day of the virus

Waiting for the day till I find myself again.


This was the first of two blog entries about my Covid-19 experience. Stay tuned for the next article where I document the slow recovery from the virus.

PhotoMinolta Dynax 7000i (AF 35-105mm). Kodak Ektar, 100 ISO, 35mm film. De Onlanden, Groningen, the Netherlands, May 2020.

Before going to bed

Lights are dancing on the walls at night,

flickering shadows talk to me.

The silence is too big to handle,

it suffocates us all in.

And the writing of it,

brings the sleepless tension back.

 

Can the past hear my whispers?

Can it read my lines?

 

Dropping love in the dark

I shiver.

I wouldn’t trade this silence for the world.

 

The morning’s light breeze

wards off the endless thoughts.

Keeping my mind busy

is all I can think of.


Photo: Minolta Dynax 7000i (AF 35-105mm). Fujifilm Provia 100F, 35mm film. Dwingelderveld National Park, the Netherlands, September 2020.

Blossoming, Groningen 2020

Locations: Stadspark, Groningen, The Netherlands, March 2020.

Minolta 303si, (35-80mm lens). Kodak Gold 200, 35mm film.

Με τη γευση χαμομηλιου

Με τη γεύση χαμομηλιού στο στόμα

ερωτεύομαι,

τον εαυτό και τον κόσμο

ανασυντάσσω.

Στη βουή του μεγαλείου

αποζητώ το τίποτα

και το γιορτάζω

με χρυσάνθεμα και φως.

Πλέον τίποτα δεν χωράει σε κούτες.

Όλα (εκεί) ελεύθερα υπάρχουν,

ανήκουν σε όλους,

με τον ήχο του ήλιου

είναι_

Χωρίς αποσκευές

προχωρώ.

Αυτά που γεμίζουν τις τσέπες

ελαφραίνουν την ψυχή.

12. 2. 2017


Photo: Nikon F75 (28-100mm). Lomography Color Negative 800, 35mm film. Terschelling island, Friesland, the Netherlands. October 2019.

When in Warns, Friesland 2020, NL

Locations: The basic location where I took these pictures is in Warns, Friesland, in July 2020. Since I used this camera and film during the summer, you will also find some colorful images from biking around the Hoornsemeer lake in Groningen, taken in August 2020. Also, two pictures are taken during my first time picking blueberries in Wapse. In the Netherlands you can visit picking gardens, such as the Zeldenrust in Wapse, where you can pick your own blueberries! You take all the time you need with the picking process and when you are done, they weigh your buckets and you pay per kilo. It was a wonderful experience, even though there were not many blueberries left in the gardens! Needless to say, we ate from our blueberry batch a lot, till a couple of months ago!

Nikon F75 (35-70mm). Kodak Ultra Max 400, 35mm film.

♠ Ode to the Now ♠

When our lives were happening,

we couldn’t stand still.

Now that our lives just are,

we cannot move forward.

 

Embracing Silence is all we can do,

embracing Stillness is all we can do,

embracing ourselves is all we can do,

embracing our weaknesses is all we can do,

 

for us,

our families,

the world,

now is the time to look inward

then gaze outward and

just BE.


Photo: Praktica MTL 5 (1.8/50). Kodak Gold 200, 35mm film. Groningen, the Netherlands. April 2020.

Refuge

Layers upon layers of restlessness,

upon layers of unburnt stars,

of overheated supernovas

and overflowing dark matter.

 

Poetry,

is my only refuge now.

 

I can’t look myself in the mirror anymore,

no reflection is looking back.

Eyes are dried out – forgotten –

almost like dying stars

we only see in our dreams.

 

The rooftop has fallen

on us

and our dreams,

it has ‘2020’ carved on it

and its debris attacks the silence

while we laugh at our own jokes.

 

If only I had time to read more.

If only I had time to watch more movies.

If only I had time to catch up on my to-do lists.

Now there is time,

but no soul to put into it.

 

The sky is dark,

like the inside of my room.

Words escape my mouth

but bounce back at the walls around me

and enter my mouth again.

 

No sounds,

No world.

 

My jaw is broken now,

the lines are blurred,

and stars flicker above me

in the night sky.

They remind me that life

is like Silence:

You fee it the most

when it is the only thing you hear.


Photo: Nikon F75 (28-100mm). LomoChrome Purple, 100-400, 35mm film. Groningen, the Netherlands. May 2020.

Purple Bike Rides, Groningen 2020 (Lomo Purple 400)

Locations: Biking around Hoornseplas, Stadspark, Groningen, the Netherlands. May 2020.

Nikon F75 (28-100mm). LomoChrome Purple, 100-400, 35mm film.

 

Welcome to my purple world, Groningen 2020 (Lomo Purple 400)

Locations: Zeeheldenbuurt, Stadspark, Groningen, the Netherlands, May 2020.

Minolta Dynax 7000i (AF 35-105mm). LomoChrome Purple, 100-400, 35mm film.

De Onlanden, Groningen 2020 (Ektar 100)

Locations: De Onlanden, Groningen, the Netherlands, May 2020.

Minolta Dynax 7000i (AF 35-105mm). Kodak Ektar, 100 ISO, 35mm film.